I contemplated hard on even writing this and only a select few know but I know I had to do this for myself in order to begin the healing process…
*Disclaimer: This one is lengthy but I hope you all find the time to read it…
Let’s flashback to the beginning of December. Things were going pretty normal…or should I say stable. It was the weekend before I started my new job and I was just ready to spend time with my boyfriend and enjoy my weekend. It was Friday, December 7th, that I ended up spending the night at his house. I woke up in the middle of the night to tinkle and as I looked down with my eyes half open, to my SURPRISE there was blood. Feeling extremely annoyed I thought to myself, “WTF, didn’t I just have my period?!”
YES, I’d been stressing and it wasn’t the first time it’s been irregular, I mean I did just move in with two of my girl friends… maybe we were just getting on the same cycle, right? At 3am I honestly didn’t think much more of it so I got clean and just headed back to bed.
The next day wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, experienced cramping but not severe enough to interrupt a lazy day watching Netflix. That night however, was a complete 180 as I suddenly felt a major discomfort in my lower abdomen — a weird pain that I’ve never felt in my life before nor do I ever want to. Initially, I figured it was associated with my monthly cycle but since I usually didn’t get excruciating cramps, it seemed super odd. The next few days I felt my body feeling quite different. I was super fatigued, had sore nipples and then BAM! one day my lower abdomen felt like it was being stretched out from both sides.
After a day of suffering, I decided to turn to my good ol friend google for some answers. I typed the symptoms “stretchy feeling in lower abdomen, period one week early, sore nipples” and these were my results : I was already bleeding so it couldn’t have been PMS… soo WAS I PREGNANT?! I ended up doing a couple more searches and I’d be lying if I said pregnancy never came up again. But whatever, how reliable is the internet anyways??? And we did take Plan B so there’s no way I fall under that small percentage who still got pregnant…Naturally, I reached out to my best friend (who has gone through a pregnancy), explained my symptoms and she advised me to take a test to gain a peace of mind.
The following day at work, my abdomen was still feeling like people were playing tug of war with it. I inquired with my friends who were mothers and the mom tribe came to the conclusion and advised that I should really take a test… 🤦🏻♀️ To be honest at this point, my period was unlike my normal cycle. My bleeding became lighter than usual and stopped here and there—and according to google, there was a great possibility that it was actually spotting.
December 12th at around 8:30 pm, I decided to finally pee on that damn stick. My anxiety level was on high as I paced back and forth in the bathroom. After avoiding to look at the results, I finally worked up the courage to do so. At first glance from afar I saw one bold line and felt instant relief…but as I stared at it more I noticed a faint line slowly revealing… I was confused, yelling to Leonard, “WHY IS ONE LINE FAINT?! I don’t get it ???” The moment he took a look, he knew and just sat on the ground in silence. Still in denial, I called my best friend and she confirmed it was a positive test… I’m not sure why I couldn’t feel anything in that moment and why I was pretty non chalant while Leonard looked as if someone ate the leftovers in the fridge he’d been thinking about all day… Looking back, all I could remember was joking about it and I didn’t know why.
The following morning I woke up, grabbed the second test and again it confirmed my pregnancy–only this time there was no two lines, no dealing with a faint one, it was a clear “yes +”… Honestly, I don’t even remember the days to come, just that I still took a third test (for the hell of it at this point) and that I was still bleeding…only this time it was a constant and regular flow.
By Wednesday morning I was anxious to go to a walk in clinic (my insurance didn’t kick in until January 1st), so I frantically searched for one opened late. With no luck, my boyfriend ended up scheduling an appointment for Thursday evening and agreed to take me after work. Around 11pm that night I started to get throbbing pain and pressure in my right lower abdomen and at this point I was 100% convinced I was having some complications.
The morning of December 20, was a nightmare, I had bled through my clothes and I knew in that moment, this was not normal. “Babe, I really can’t wait until after work to see a doctor, we have to go ASAP”… funny to think I was actually more concerned about calling in late for work than the reality of everything happening in that moment.
It was a wet, rainy day as we arrived to the walk in clinic, only to be told we’d have to pay a grand for the visit due to me being uninsured at the time. In that moment, I was still hesitant to go to the ER… well…because you know, we had no ER money. But I just knew something wasn’t right so I told Leonard that we had to go now! Pulling up to Winnie Palmer was a bit nerve wrecking but not to the extent where I was panicking. I honestly did not feel too alarmed, hoping it was just my body being weird and me thinking, “well at least they can confirm the pregnancy now…”
After checking in the lobby area, I walked up to check in with the nurse and whispered, “Hi, I think I’m 4 weeks pregnant, I’m bleeding and I believe I’m having a miscarriage.” I was quickly given paperwork, sent over to get my vitals checked and in a matter of 15 minutes, I was in the back taking a urine test. I was quickly assigned to a room and had me undress waist down for an ultrasound. The waiting period was emotionally and mentally exhausting and I answered a lot of questions mostly with I don’t knows and I just remember repeating my symptoms to a few different nurses who also pricked my arms multiple times to draw blood from my tiny little veins. (I cried like a baby)
After coming back with a positive pregnancy result, the nurses informed me that it was time for the ultrasound. As I lay there, looking at my boyfriend I see him wipe his eyes, with concern written all over his face. I start to question everyone, “what? what’s going?” I felt like nobody could hear me (or maybe they were trying to avoid breaking the news) then finally they explained how they found a heartbeat and I was about 6 weeks… but it wasn’t where it was supposed to be… and I had what’s called an ectopic pregnancy. Me being ignorant about what exactly that was, I assumed they were able to somehow fix it… but little did I know the severity of it all.
Almost instantly, one of the nurses came back (I wish I knew her name so I could thank her) and broke the news. “So you have what’s called an ectopic pregnancy, and I’m not sure if y’all were trying but I’m afraid we’re going to have to terminate the pregnancy.” A wave of emotions came over me and tears just started streaming down my face and all I could say was “That’s so sad…” as I continued to cry. She told me a sonography was needed to determine whether surgery was required to remove the pregnancy or if a shot to dissolve (that word makes me cringe) it would be okay.
After the sonography, they advised that surgery was the only option, 1. being that the fetus was 6 almost 7 weeks with a heartbeat and most importantly because 2. my right Fallopian tube had ruptured, I was internally bleeding (reason for my two weeks of bleeding) and I needed an emergency surgery FAST!!!
Everything seemed to move so fast around me, one moment I was I getting hooked up with an IV then suddenly I’m being wheel-chaired up, bawling in the elevator, talking to the nurse about praying to GOD on the way up to the third floor to prep me for surgery. My anxiety levels were out of control at this point, reaching a bp of 134. So many thoughts ran through my head, I asked more questions, like how this surgery was gonna affect my fertility rate for the future. The nurse reassured that I was still able to fulfill my dreams of having children one day and praised me for coming in not a day later because I could’ve bled internally and died. (Thank you, God). Still, I was terrified and all the nurses and doctors could tell, attempting to share every bit of their reassurance that things would be okay. But it didn’t help… I was shaking, having a panic attack, and cried “I’ve never been through surgery, I don’t even like getting put to sleep at the dentist!!!”
I was introduced to my surgeon, anesthesiologists, nurses, had to sign numerous forms— like one for a blood transfusion and one with the option for me make arrangements for the fetus or if I give the hospital permission to handle it… (I chose the latter). My blood pressure continued to shoot up so I was finally given some meds to calm me down. Not a minute later I was told say bye to Leonard and soon I was being rolled into the OR room… I was told to breathe in twice and and all I remember is them putting the oxygen mask and telling me to breathe in twice, before knocking out.
An hour and half later, I was finally woken up. My vision was fuzzy (probably more so because I had no contacts in), but let’s just say it was due to the anesthesia. All I could recall was asking the nurse 50 qs and laughing at my own jokes that the patient next to me did not find amusing one bit. I just remember feeling relieved and all I wanted to do was see Leonard. I was eventually moved to the recovery area, still under anesthesia, yet acting so calm and collected as if I didn’t just lose a pregnancy or almost my life…
I finally got discharged close to 7pm and got food before heading home. Pulling into the garage everything hit me. As soon as we parked into a spot, I just broke down…. but little did I know how difficult the road was from there…