For more than half of my almost 30 years of living, I have ALWAYS felt like the black sheep of every group I was a part of. In my younger years, I felt that I always struggled to really fit in no matter how much I tried. Somehow there was always something that someone found about me that was so different and separated me from the group. Let’s be real, even from my own siblings I felt super isolated my entire life, so imagine that.
People tend to believe that I love to be the center of attention…but in reality, I HATE being the spotlight in any group setting. I still haven’t mastered public speaking or presentations and it’s still hella awkward when people sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. It’s ironic to assume I’m always the center of attention because for as long as I could remember, I’ve always felt so unheard by the people around me….
I’m not sure why I’ve felt like I NEVER belonged… Throughout the years I’ve come across certain friendships, relationships, jobs, and situations that only further proved this idea. Like so many others I’m guilty of holding a part of myself back just to fit in a group so I wouldn’t be portrayed a certain way and in fear of being excluded in some way. Many times I’ve had to dim my lights to accommodate others’ inflated egos, bite my tongue (surprisingly) to diffuse certain situations, and let people assassinate my character… just because. Many times I’ve cried alone in my room asking why I was always felt excluded and isolated and asked why it felt like everyone hated me or why I wasn’t relevant or important enough in people’s lives.
If you’ve had the chance to develop a friendship with me, you know how much LOYALTY means. It’s black and white. Call it what you want but due to the numerous times I’ve gotten hurt and disappointed by people in my life, I feel that there’s no room or “gray area” when it comes to it. I’ve sat and reflected on my views and standards and even questioned if A, B & C was wrong me… But the more I reflected, the more I realized that there was nothing wrong with being a “ride or die” for the people around me.
I have a tough shell. I’m very outspoken, blunt, unapologetic, and sassy but I actually have a BIG heart. I will go above and beyond for my loved ones if needed and I’m extremely forgiving in many situations, hence why I’ve gotten burned far too many times… Still, there have only been 3 people in that last year who have truly appreciated and reciprocated my efforts and that alone means the world since so many others have taken these efforts for granted.
There’s NO doubt I’ve been through hell and back the past couple years and I’m proud of where I stand now, but it doesn’t dismiss or excuse the constant feeling of being outcasted.
But…with all this time to reflect and carrying this weight of emotions, there’s something I’ve come realize. Maybe, I’m not meant to fit in…with certain people and situations, I mean. I know we try so hard to be accepted and I’ve embraced my individuality and always strive to stay authentic and true to myself, but there are those moments where I’ve felt like I needed to drown myself out for others and it’s doesn’t sit well with me. For me to be doubted, looked down on and treated so unfairly, JUST so SOMEONE else could shine or avoid being considered “extra”, took a toll on me. Today, and in this very second, I can definitely say that’s NOT something that I am willing to continue to do and I hope those who can relate won’t stand for it as well.
There are so many people out there who will accept you for who you are with zero judgment and I guess I just needed to remind myself of this. I don’t need to waste any more time trying to prove myself or dim my bright ass lights to please others. It’s not MINE or YOUR responsibility to play a role just to alleviate others’ insecurities.
Go where you feel loved and secured. Go where you are happy. Go where you can be your true self. Why? Because we all deserve to be in a place where we feel accepted and comfortable and in a world full of false personas, being your true self is key.
Maybe someday I’ll look back, read this and say “I told you so…” when I get to that place but until then I will continue to be that badass version of myself and hopefully gravitate to more people who are open, more accepting and feel like home along the way.
I’m gonna keep it 100 and let you guys know that I was in tears writing half of this…at 5-6 am, so this one truly hits me deep. It’s been a while since I’ve been this vulnerable on here (especially about something I’ve kept bottled up for so long). In NO way am I seeking any sort of sympathy but only sharing my thoughts to hopefully encourage those in need. So, I hope you can take away something good from this post, and as always, thanks for taking the time out to read and hope you keep up with my journey.
Let me know how if you’ve ever felt this way and how you overcame this struggle in the comments!
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