If you would’ve seen how I was exactly a year ago to this day, the word solitude didn’t even cross my mind or my vocabulary. I was a complete mess to say the least, losing control of just about every part of my life and barely hanging on amidst the deep depression, coping with grief and other unforeseen struggles I had to face. It was the loneliest of times that I’m blessed to have gotten through.
The summer of 2019 was HELL. I was not financially stable to continue therapy, support from anyone was almost nowhere to be found and I was surrounded and living with toxic people who patronized and dismissed my struggles. I was stuck in a toxic environment which looking back, I know now was detrimental to my healing. Imagine trying to process a trauma and then getting blamed for trying to heal…
I wish I could say the months after that got better, but it stayed the same. It was around September when I started a new job and though I lived out of a hotel for two weeks after being harassed out of my place of living by my cruel ex-roommates and one of their mothers, I was ready for a fresh start and to leave it all behind.
For awhile, I felt a little bit of peace, attempted to focus and put my energy into my new role and worked toward getting my life back on track. I noticed a little bit of change in me. I was slowly detaching and becoming a little more independent, my anxiety wasn’t an everyday occurrence and things were finally looking up… or so it seemed.
Some days were tough, staying locked in my room in an uncomfortable place (I ended up moving in September into a room in an old friend’s place). I felt like I was falling back into the black hole. But I wasn’t going to allow it. This time, I felt stronger and in a way I could tell that I was healing. I was more comfortable with in my own time. My anxiety was much more bearable and I wasn’t as co-dependent as before. The people closest to me weren’t getting hysterical texts and phone calls daily and as minor as it may sound, I could finally sleep with the lights off… (PTSD symptom: whenever I have gone through a tough time, I could never sleep with the lights off by myself).
Fast forward to the end of April, I moved into a new place and I can easily say that I haven’t felt this comfortable and in my own space since 2017. It’s like a big weight was finally lifted off and I could finally breathe after 3 years of basically being a nomad. I started to crave my alone time again. I’m now able to reflect, keep myself distracted, focus and put my energy into hobbies I’ve neglected like BLOGGING, painting, catching up on my shows, etc. Things have honestly been a lot lighter and times have been happier for me. Though my anxiety flares up on certain days, it’s nowhere near as tragic. It’s a lot easier for me to bounce back and I now have a better understanding on how to cope and change my mindset. Looking back, it’s crazy that there was a point where I couldn’t even be alone for more than 15 mins without freaking out. I definitely understand that giving myself time to enjoy my alone time has truly helped me with the healing process. Of course, I do still get lonely at times without company (on the days when Leonard isn’t here) because let’s be real, I’m human and crave interaction. I’m slowly becoming less anti-social again these days but with Covid-19 putting a halt on things, I’m just soaking in this peaceful energy and cherishing the sweet sound of solitude.
How do you guys like to spend your time alone? Let me know what you’ve been up to during these Covid-19 times in the comments 🤓
P.S. With the cases spiking, PLEASE WEAR A MASK & Keep practicing social distancing! This is nowhere near done. Be safe y’all!